An Extra Special Little Girl: one mother’s experience supporting a child with Cerebral Palsy

Posted on March 5, 2021 - 7:45 pm by Early Childhood Hub

Five years ago a daunting diagnosis was entering our life and most things have not been the same since. I’ve faced frightening and complex information about the thing that matters most to me in this life. My daughter was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy at 9 months old. We were immediately connected with Early Intervention services. When our journey began my daughter was extremely behind on her development, she had vision issues, she had trouble eating and swallowing, she couldn’t sit up or roll over, she struggled with sensory issues, her muscles were very tight, she was uncomfortable and cried all the time.

Therapy and early intervention services helped us set small reasonable goals with physical therapy, occupational therapy, feeding, and sensory issues. I began navigating the system for services that I’d previously worked in for 13 years. Even with that experience it’s been extremely difficult to navigate. The amount of time it takes for appointments 2 hours away for pediatric specialties makes it impossible to hold a full time job.

Being a Mommy of an extra special little girl can feel isolating much of the time, but because of that our lives have been touched by some of the most kindhearted and devoted people that walk the earth. Therapy, and Early Intervention services gave me hope after her diagnosis and showed me there is life after diagnosis. We will forever be grateful for our team. The work they do everyday changes lives and gives young children with disabilities a fair start and the opportunity they deserve to learn and reach their best potential. I can’t express enough how important early intervention services really are!

Editor’s note: While most of you have heard of Cerebral Palsy (CP), we know not everyone knows about its cause or how it affects people. Nina was kind enough to share some information about CP and how you can show your support this March for CP Awareness!

What is Cerebral Palsy?

Cerebral Palsy (CP) is the most common disability in the world and impacts over 18 million people; however, no two people are affected the same way. It’s a physical disability caused by a brain injury during pregnancy, birth, or shortly after birth. It affects movement, coordination, muscle tone and control, reflexes, posture and balance. Additionally, there are often co-occurring conditions such as intellectual impairment, epilepsy, behavior disorders, sleep disorders, impaired vision, autism, and/or impaired hearing. Limitations associated with this condition are influenced by the location of the brain injury and the intensity of it.While there is still no cure for CP, prompt treatment will drastically improve a child’s long term capabilities and quality of life. The earlier treatment begins, the better chance children have of overcoming developmental disabilities and learning new ways to accomplish the tasks that challenge them every day. Every case is as unique as the person who has it and every child with CP is still a child. They need love, guidance, play, support, creativity and rules. They are all individuals with varying interests, personalities, gifts, talents, opinions, relationships and lives.

How can you get involved and show your support?

Cerebral Palsy Awareness Day gives us an opportunity to raise awareness of CP in our communities. It’s a day that will remind us we’ve come a long way, but we still have work to do! On March 25th, Cerebral Palsy Awareness Day, don’t forget to wear the color green to show your support and educate others.

Nina Watkins is the mother of two young children, 8 years old and 5 years old, living in Lane County. We love the outdoors and the cold snowy weather is our favorite!

Single Parenting During a Pandemic

Posted on March 5, 2021 - 1:10 am by Early Childhood Hub

It’s no secret that parents are struggling right now as we approach the 1-year anniversary of the COVID-19 quarantine and associated restrictions. This is especially true for single parents. Managing your job, childcare, homeschooling and being responsible for caring for your children all day every day takes a toll.

You’ve heard this before, especially as a single parent: it’s important that you put on your oxygen mask first so you can best care for others, and there are tips and tricks you can try to help manage some of the stressors you may be currently experiencing. Now is the time to really take this to heart.

Remember the basics

We are busy balancing remote school and work, plus all the care and feeding of our children as we spend more time at home than ever before. It can be easy to forget some of the basics of parenting that just make life a little easier. If things are feeling “off” or maybe you just need a fresh start, it might be a good time to remember the basics.

Routines: Having a routine to your child’s day doesn’t mean that you have to micromanage their entire day, penciling in fun activities every hour just to keep your child entertained. Making a routine is more about having a predictable schedule that your child can count on and feel comforted by. When they can know and expect what is next in their day, they feel safe. To get started, make a nighttime routine for you and your kiddos. Do what works for your family—factoring in work schedules, extracurriculars, bedtimes, etc. Generally, dinner, followed by bath, teeth brushing, story, and lights out works well for many families with young children. Whatever your routine, your child will feel comforted by knowing what comes next.

Set Limits: Children of all ages need limits. Toddlers may need limits when it comes to “helping in the kitchen,” while older children may need limits around how much time they are allowed to play video games. As a single parent, setting consistent limits and sticking to them can help you avoid spending too much of your time explaining and re-explaining rules to your child.

Be Consistent: As a single parent, you are the one always saying “OK, just one more story,” or “no, you can’t eat cookies for breakfast.” Whatever limits you need to set, be consistent and follow through. Your child will form needed habits and you can avoid them feeling disappointed and confusion when you are consistent in your rules. Explaining to your child why yesterday there were three bedtime stories, but tonight only one, can cause possible meltdowns, take away quality time with your child, and is also just confusing for them. Try to find rules that you can follow through on both easy and challenging days.

Remember To Have Fun: When you are responsible for all of your child’s discipline and logistics, it can be hard to find time to play together, or just be together. Take even five minutes to look at the clouds together or let your toddler chase you around the table. Remember, that it’s quality over quantity. Meaning, your child will appreciate even just 10 minutes of your undivided attention before you start making dinner. Special time each day for each child, even if it’s only 10 minutes, may make your child more willing to follow the limits you set later. This will build the relationship you have with each other, including trust and respect.

Let It Go: During this busy and challenging time, it’s OK to adjust your expectations and put off “big” projects. Laundry and dishes don’t have to be put away immediately; the attic can be cleaned out later. Your child is the age she is for a very short time. Embrace opportunities for positive interaction over chores sometimes. Let the laundry sit in the basket for a while. Additionally, you will reduce your stress when you don’t expect perfection from yourself.

This article is brought to you by Parenting Now Parenting Educators and authors Amanda Bedortha, Claire Davis and Lynne Swartz, and consultant Jay Thompson. Parenting Now offers parenting groups and drop-in programs for families with children 0-8, and is passionate about happy, healthy families. For more information about Parenting Now, please visit their website or contact us at info@parentingnow.org.

Triple P – Positive Parenting Program

Are you interested in receiving more parenting advice? Triple P Online – Positive Parenting Program could be for you! This online parenting program allows you to take a parenting class in the comfort of your own home!

If you live in Lane County, you can get Triple P Online for free by filling out the form on the Triple P page. A staff person from Parenting Now will send you an access code within 24 hours and you’ll be able to start using the program right away! For more information about the program and to sign up visit the Triple P page.

The Art of Raising a Humble Winner and Gracious Loser

Posted on February 18, 2021 - 12:13 am by Early Childhood Hub

“Winning is great, sure, but if you are really going to do something in life, the secret is learning how to lose.” — Wilma Rudolph, Olympic champion

We all love to win—whether it’s in a board game, sport, or even a race with your sibling. It can make us feel good and push us to give our best effort, but it can also lead to hurt feelings when we don’t win or, worse, treat the “loser” poorly when we do win.It’s not uncommon for children—and adults—to struggle with their feelings around losing and winning. You might notice your child:

Have a meltdown if her team loses on the ball field.

Unwilling to acknowledge improvements in their skills in the face of losing, or want to give up.

Brag too much if their team won.

Refuse to participate in anything that they don’t think they can win.

If any or all of these are true for your child, they may have what is sometimes known as “sore loser syndrome.”There are steps you can take to prevent your child from being overwhelmed by losing, as well as ways to help them if they do react strongly to the pressure to win.

Start early – As parents, we all let our children win at family games every now and then. But don’t do it every time! It’s okay for your child to lose at Go Fish occasionally. Learning to lose and manage the feelings that come with it will help your child deal with the inevitable losses they will experience throughout their childhood and their lives. You might say something like, “We’re a learning family. We all learn new things. Sometimes we win, and sometimes we lose. We take turns winning and losing. Today, it was your brother’s turn to win. Maybe it will be your turn to win tomorrow.”

Affirm feelings – “In life, winning and losing will both happen. What is never acceptable is quitting.” — Magic Johnson, basketball player

Don’t brush aside your child’s feelings of disappointment or sadness with expressions like “It’s just a game.”

Let them know that how they feel is okay: “You tried hard to hit the ball. It can be frustrating when you try hard and can’t make it work the way you want to.” Focus on what they are learning, and help them notice and acknowledge their improvement.

Give your child support for dealing effectively with feelings: “You drew a picture about feeling sad about not winning today’s game. That is a wonderful way to express your feelings.”

Learning from loss – Sometimes losing can create learning moments for kids. Use the powerful word “yet.” You haven’t won “yet.” Is there something your child could do differently next time? Does the skill need more practice? Did your child try to rush through the game without listening to the instructions? With your child, come up with solutions to help the game go more smoothly.

Emphasize the positive – Let your child know that we all have different skills for different things: “You didn’t hit the ball this game, but you swung at the ball! One thing you did do well was catch the ball twice when you were in the field. You really know how to catch the ball.”Make sure to let your child know you recognize small successes, especially with young children: “You made it to the top of the play structure. Way to go!” “You knew exactly which card to ask for” (when playing Go Fish).

Reframe winning and losing – “It’s not about winning or losing a competition, it’s about beating the doubt from within yourself and knowing at the end of each day you are one step closer to your goals.” — Jonathon Horton, gymnast

Instead of talking about “winning” and “losing” in black and white terms, try focusing on the process. Use words like:

Opportunity
Growth
Learning
Effort
Working Hard
Enjoyment
Fun

If your child is hesitant to participate because they can’t “win” or “be the best,” encourage them to participate in activities they really enjoy.

Give them support for working hard or being willing to participate, even if they are not “the best.”

Emphasize enjoyment: “You sure laughed a lot when we were playing cards.”

Emphasize effort: “I can see how hard you were trying to hit that ball. You were really watching carefully.”

How do you manage your feelings? – How do you deal with loss and disappointment? If you realize you are having a hard time dealing with loss, take the opportunity to make some changes. Not only will you benefit, but your child will also benefit from seeing effective ways to deal with losing. When your child sees you coping with hard feelings, they learn how to cope with their feelings.Walk your child through your process when you are trying something new. When you make a mistake, let them see you deal with it and try again. Learn to do something new together. Let them see you struggle with a new skill or game, and lose gracefully.

At the end of a day, it’s just a game

“Just play. Have fun. Enjoy the game.” — Michael Jordan, basketball player

Start practicing with your child early and they’ll see that losing can be disappointing, but no one wins all the time and that’s OK! If your child is starting to have “sore loser syndrome,” affirm their feelings of disappointment when losing, but also provide them with perspective. Remind them they haven’t won “yet”, they can improve, no one can be the best at everything, and sometimes having fun makes participating worthwhile. And, remember to check in with yourself about how you react to winning and losing too!

Triple P – Positive Parenting Program

Creating a Successful Summer Chore Plan

Posted on July 16, 2019 - 11:36 pm by Early Childhood Hub

With the kids home for summer and lots of housework that needs tending to, you may be wondering what chores you can give to your older children. Studies have shown that there are benefits to children having chores, including learning mastery of a task and feeling a sense of accomplishment. Having your child wash windows every Monday not only frees you up to get something checked off your to-do list but also teaches your child a skill that they can carry with them through adulthood. This week, we offer tips for creating a successful summer chore plan.

Getting started

Start chore responsibility off on the right foot by holding a family meeting to make a plan.

Explain to your child why you are having the meeting and why helping out around the house is important. For example: “Living in a family involves a lot of work. It takes all of us working together to take care of ourselves and our home. It is everyone’s responsibility to help the family run smoothly, so we want to give you some choices about what you can do to make all of our summers fun.”

Make a list of chores that need to be done: making beds; taking out the garbage; watering the garden; feeding the dog.

Ask for your child’s input: Give your child a chance to say which tasks they would like to do. Ask your child to choose jobs they can manage alone, but be mindful of your child’s age and abilities.

Create a final jobs list and categorize by family member, and whether each chore is daily, weekly, or monthly. Make sure it is clear on the chart that you are contributing to the family too.

Your child might benefit from a visual checklist that shows them what chores they need to do on certain days of the week. Many elementary school children like to help make their checklist. Your child could help draw the lines, read items from your draft list, or write down chore items themselves.

Before talking with your child about their new jobs, decide whether you plan on using rewards or consequences as an incentive. Each child is unique and you know your child best. As a family, decide whether, for example, your child can “earn TV time at the end of the week” for completing chores.

As with all chores, the key to your child’s success is showing your child how to do the task and doing it with them until they are comfortable. At first, your child may need help getting started with their chore, especially if it is a new one. Ask them what would help them remember to do their job. One idea is to do it at the same time every day. Another is to pair it with something else the child likes to do. For example, maybe they would find it fun to listen to their favorite songs while washing the dishes or folding laundry.

Ask if they would like a reminder from you if you notice they haven’t done it by a certain time. If they don’t do their task, are there natural consequences you can live with and are the consequences applied to each family member? Do you have a “work before play policy” in your household? If so, make that clear in your discussion.

When you notice a chore has been done, get into the habit of saying thank you. Add an impact statement, telling them specifically how it makes the family run more smoothly. Tell them how them doing jobs around the house or yard makes it more pleasurable to walk up to the front door or hang out in the living room.

At the end of the first week, talk with your child about how chores are going. Ask for their opinion, then offer your own thanks. Keep your conversations positive and offer lots of praise when possible.

Yard card and safety

While some chores, such as feeding pets or putting laundry away, are appropriate for children over 7, there are certain chores that need to wait. Many parents are eager to get their kids on lawn mowing. duty, but the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) has some guidelines regarding this common household chore—and for good reason. According to the AAP, in the U.S., more than 9,000 children go to the emergency room for lawn mower-related injuries every year. To use a push mower, children need to be 14 and over. In addition:

Kids must be both strong and mature enough to remain focused on the task

Be trained in how to safely operate a mower

Wear eye protection and closed-toe shoes

The AAP also recommends that parents supervise their child’s work until they are comfortable that their children can mow alone. And, lawn mowers, weed eaters, chip-shredders, and other sharp-edged yard tools should not be used by anyone under 14.While lawn mowing may be out of the question for a few years (or not!), there are lots of other yard work chores your child can help with:

Teach your child how to maintain a garden, including planting seeds, watering, and pruning.

Have your child be in charge of the watering schedule.

Show your child what plants are “weeds” and what needs to be removed.

Rake up any tree debris.

Shovel dirt or mulch into garden or flower beds.

Harvest fruits and veggies from the garden.

Create a compost bin and manage it.

Teaching life skills

Accomplishing chores makes kids feel proud of their competence in taking care of their possessions and living space, which also makes them feel good about themselves and builds confidence. Teaching your child to care for their living space from an early age will set them up for success later in life.

Triple P – Positive Parenting Program

Splash Into Safety: Water Safety Tips for the Summer

Posted on July 20, 2018 - 7:08 pm by Early Childhood Hub

Children are naturally drawn to water. Makes sense—they float around in their mama’s fluids for nine months before joining us in the outside world. As infants and toddlers, many children enjoy splashing in the pool or other small bodies of water. Like most other aspects of their lives, water play requires a certain degree of caution, as well as safety measures.In this Triple P post, we break down some lesser-known water safety facts and provide tips for keeping your children safe this summer.

Water, Water, Everywhere!

During the summer months, many families like to have water tables, sprinklers, and small swimming pools available in their back or front yard for children to play in. Just like it is never safe to leave your infant or toddler alone in the bathtub, same goes for any small bodies of water, including baby pools.Less obvious places to be careful of include:

Fishponds

Ditches

Fountains

Rain barrels

Watering cans

Buckets filled with water

Because young children can drown in only a few inches of water, always empty out containers of water when you are not using them. (A bonus is that this also discourages breeding mosquitoes!)The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends using “touch supervision” while in the water, meaning that you stay within arms reach of your child when they are in or around water.Precautions at a glance:

Never leave young children unattended near water.

Empty containers of water.

Put away inflatable pools when not in use.

Consider fencing around permanent, small bodies of water at your home, such as a fountain or pool. The AAP recommends that backyard swimming pools, (including large, inflatable above-ground pools), be surrounded with at least a 4-foot high fence with a self-closing latch at least 54 inches high.

Do not use a pool cover in place of a four-sided fence.

Lock away your pool chemicals and pool filtration equipment.

At The PoolLocal swimming pools can offer much delight for children. However, just like at home, children need constant supervision at the swimming pool. Many public pools have a separate baby pool designed for your littlest ones. This is designed for parents and toddlers to enjoy the water together. Assure the toddlers and older kids alike follow “walk, don’t run” rules when near the pool, as well as have a good understanding of where the shallow and deep ends of the big pool are.You may see signs around the pool that say “No Diving.” They are there for good reason. Even the best swimmers can misjudge the depth of a pool, dive in, and hit the bottom, which can cause serious head and spine injuries. For your diving experts, show them where it is safe to dive and never let your older child dive into the shallow end.Life JacketsLife jackets have come along way since the days of old. Water wings, vests, vests with collars, learn-to-swim-aids—all brightly colored and even with fun characters—but they may not be approved personal flotation devices! PFDs are designed to help a person stay afloat in water, and should be marked as certified or approved. It can be hard to know what the appropriate choice for your child is. The first rule of thumb is that your child should always wear a life jacket that is an approved personal flotation device when he swims or rides in a boat. Life jackets are sized by weight:

Infant: 8 to 30 pounds

Child: 30 to 50 pounds

Youth: 50 to 90 pounds

For infants and small children, a life jacket should have:

Padded head support to help keep the child’s head above water.

Grab handle to easily pull a child out of water.

Crotch strap to help keep the life jacket from riding up.

Other tips to follow:

Make sure the life jacket is the right size for your child. If it is too loose, the life jacket will ride up around their face. If it is too small, it will not keep them afloat.

Consider selecting a color that is bright and easy to see.

Never use a life jacket as a cushion or toy—it can flatten the inner material.

According to the AAP, blow-up water wings, toys, rafts, and air mattresses should never be used as life jackets or life preservers.

Life jackets and life preservers should never be substitutes for adult supervision.

Not surprising, many infants and toddlers are not fans of wearing life jackets. Before hitting the pool or lake, let them get used to wearing it by trying it on at home.Next Level SafetyIf you want to take your water safety skills to the next level, consider getting your CPR (cardiac pulmonary resuscitation) certification. American Red Cross, Oregon CPR, Lane County CPR, and CPR & First Aid Training Center offer classes regularly in adult and pediatric CPR.

Triple P – Positive Parenting Program

To Tell the Truth: Children and Lying

Posted on March 21, 2017 - 5:10 pm by Early Childhood Hub

While most people value honesty, most adults have lied or have been lied to at least some time in their lives – in personal or work relationships or elsewhere. It might be to get away with something or it might be to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. Children are no different.As parents, we know that children lie for many reasons. Children need to learn how to be honest and why it’s important to tell the truth. Lying can damage trust in relationships and can also lead to low self-esteem. There is a balance between feeling bad, guilty, or shameful about being caught in a lie and then moving to take responsibility to fix it. When a child tells an untruth for whatever reason, calling attention to it in a matter of fact way and giving the child the opportunity to tell the truth will help him to build his self-esteem.

A Child’s Lie

Children are trying to figure out how to act in the world, the difference between real and pretend, and how to deal with conflict.

Toddlers

Until about three years old, children who lie are generally:

Engaged in fantasy play

Making an honest mistake about what’s happening

Are worried about upsetting a parent
- If you get angry when your child colors on the wall, he may feel confused and scared. He doesn’t want you to be angry and wants to feel safe and loved, so he says he didn’t do it. He doesn’t understand the concept of lying.

Pre-School/Early Elementary

Kids slowly develop a sense of what is a lie. At about age five or so, you can start talking with your child about rules about lying and the importance of telling the truth. By about age ten children usually have a clear idea of the concept of lying.

Young children are figuring out the difference between real and pretend. Perhaps, they think Big Bird is real and living in the TV.
- Sometimes, we encourage “pretend” like when we talk about the tooth fairy. While encouraging imagination is important, your child may sometimes get confused about what is real and not. Encourage imagination and help them to start to distinguish between real and pretend.
  - You and your child can pretend to be fire fighters and then later go to your local fire station to meet a real fire fighter.

Give your child positive feedback when they tell the truth. Give them opportunities to distinguish between real and not real.

Create clear calm rules about lying and be consistent about keeping them.

Why lie?

In addition to developmental issues, common reasons for lying include:

Embarrassment or fear of mistakes.

Your child may not know how to handle making a mistake and lie to cover it up. Sometimes they feel worried about the lie itself and create more lies.
- Your child threw his coat on the floor instead of hanging it up. When you ask about it, they say they did hang it up, even though you both see it on the floor. Your child then creates further lies – the dog pulled it off the hook or the wind blew it down. Regardless of how it got on the floor, he will learn that he is still responsible for picking it up. When lying doesn’t get him what he wants, he may stop doing it.

Understanding Social Subtleties

The “subtleties” of social interactions can be confusing for children.

We see a friend and they ask how we are. We reply “Good, thanks,” even though we are having a tough day. Your child sees this and tries to figure out how this is being honest. It’s a great opportunity to talk about being polite.

Your child listens intently when you talk about being honest with people. On their birthday, they get a green stuffed animal from a friend. They proudly announce they hate the color green and throw it to the side. They feel they were honest and the friend feels hurt. Your child doesn’t understand what they did wrong.

Avoiding Tasks

Some chores are not fun or are challenging, but have to get done. It’s tempting to lie to get out of the chore.
- Your child is supposed to set the table and they haven’t. You ask why. They claim they have too much homework, even though Wednesday is a “homework free” day.

Being “Cool”

For many kids, making friends and fitting in is challenging. They may lie to impress other kids or fit in.
- You invite one of your child’s new friends for a play date. The friend is disappointed that you don’t have ice cream sundaes every day after school.

Kids may hear their parents or other adults use sarcasm and not understand it. They may unintentionally be modeling a type of lying (“just kidding”) that kids think will make them sound cool.

Getting Attention

Your child may want to seek attention with a lie or even want to see how you react.
- “We saw two lions in the park today” sounds more interesting that we walked by a cat on the way to the park.

Fear of Punishment

If you punish your child, rather than use positive discipline, your child may lie if they worry the truth will bring a punishment.

Children who are bullied or abused may lie for fear they will be treated worse if “they tell.” They may want to protect the adult abusing them. Reassure your child that they:
- Are safe with you

Telling the truth will make things better.

You can help them fix what’s wrong.

If your child is being bullied in school, talk with school personnel. If they are being abused, seek professional help.

What To Do About Lying?

Talk with your child about why lying is not okay. Tell them how you feel when they lie – upset, disappointed, unsure when you can believe them.

Give your child a chance to tell the truth and provide solutions.
- You say you didn’t spill the juice, but there is juice on the floor. Are you sure that’s what happened?

When someone spills something, they can clean it up. Would you like to get something to clean up the spill you made?

When they tell the truth, give positive feedback.

Separate the behavior from the lying.
- If your child finally admits they played a computer game they weren’t supposed to, appreciate their honesty. Then, give the natural agreed upon consequence for breaking the rule.

Preventing Lies

Give unconditional love. Let your child know that even when they make mistakes, you love them. Sometimes children lie so they don’t disappoint their parents.

Stay calm when your child breaks a rule. They may lie to avoid your anger.

Ask questions in ways that prevent lying.
- Try “Do you need help getting ready for school tomorrow?” rather than “Did you get everything ready for school tomorrow?”

For younger children particularly, make sure they understand real and pretend.

Your child may insist they had lunch with a friendly monster.
- Don’t argue it’s “not true.”

Try getting in on the story – “Did the monster eat all her vegetables?” Sometimes the more unreal you make the story, the more they realize it’s silly pretending.

Take the opportunity to talk about the difference between pretend and real.

Praise imagination.

Consider why they are lying.

If your child is trying to fit in, find ways to raise their self-esteem. Help them come up with concrete things they can do about the situation.

If they are worried about being perfect, help them understand making mistakes are part of life. Teach them they can try again or do things differently.

Be a good role model! Be honest about your mistakes.

Check your reactions – are you being especially reactive? If you often react strongly to your child not doing a chore or homework, for example, you may be unintentionally encouraging your child to lie. They may be lying because they are anticipating your reaction and they don’t want to make you upset or angry.

The Whole Truth

You may not get the “whole truth” from your child every day, but create an environment where there is trust and love and where you child knows honesty is valued. When you do, you are helping your child build a lifetime of healthy loving relationships.

Triple P – Positive Parenting Program

3 Essential Strategies for Effective “Team Parenting”

Posted on June 20, 2016 - 9:07 pm by Early Childhood Hub

Team Parenting

When you and your partner work as a team to parent your child, you will both feel more supported. After all, you both have the common goal of raising your child to be healthy, happy and successful.Working as a team doesn’t mean you will never disagree! At some point, all parents will differ or argue at about raising their child. After all, you are individual people with different ideas, skills, values, histories and personalities. You are also coping with the stress of parenting.It’s not, however, whether you disagree, but how you handle the disagreements. Even if you and the person you parent with have different parenting styles, you can still parent together effectively.

1. Communicate, Communicate, and Then Communicate More

Effective communication is a key to parenting together.

Make sure you both understand each other’s basic ideas or values about parenting. Talk about it or take a parenting class together.

Know and respect each other’s specific family and cultural history. What do you want to keep? What would you like to do differently?

Put aside time to come to general agreements about “daily” issues or rules – bedtime, meals, screen time, as well as major issues or persistent challenges.

Talk about parenting issues, especially major ones, when you are both calm. Don’t try to address a major issue when you are in the heat of an argument or when you’re struggling with your child over a specific behavior. Set the issue aside until you can talk calmly.

If you feel uncomfortable with how your partner has dealt with a particular situation, don’t blame them or give them harsh criticism, especially in front of your child. Be constructive, provide feedback and tell them how you feel.

We all make mistakes. Be kind to your partner and to yourself when you inevitably make some mistakes with each other.

2. Be Flexible

What is really important to you and your idea of parenting? For example:

Is learning to always say please and thank you important to your values?

Is restricting TV time something you feel is an absolute?

Is making a mess part of being creative?

Which things would you prefer to happen, but are willing to negotiate about? Can you be accommodating about your child’s bedtime if certain bedtime rituals are important to your partner?Appreciate each other’s viewpoints and needs. Be flexible and see where you both can compromise.

3. Let the Moment Pass, then Check-in

Even with lots of communication and agreements, there are bound to be times when your partner manages a situation in a way you don’t agree with. Of course, if you believe your partner is being emotionally or physically abusive to your child, that IS the time to interfere in the moment.However, if that is not the case, don’t over-react in the moment. They may have a very good reason for the way they responded. Check in with your partner about their actions. It’s important, especially for younger children, to see that their parents are united and working as a team. Stability and consistency make children feel safe and confident.

When You Can’t Make the Team Work

Sometimes you and your partner are having general problems in your relationship that are interfering with your ability to parent together. It can be easy to ignore your relationship when parenting together, but addressing relationship problems is essential and will help you be able to work better as a team.It can be hard to come to parenting agreements if you and your partner have rigid parenting roles – such as one person who is always the “fun” parent and the other the “strict” parent. Try for flexibility.Sometimes you and your partner might come to an impasse and are not be able to work out agreements. You may need outside help.

Consider seeing a counselor.

Join a parenting group where you can talk with other parents and have some guidance from professional Parenting Educators on issues of discipline and more, as well as positive ways to communicate with your parenting partner.

Parent Harmony

You may not always be in perfect harmony with your partner, but you can sing sweetly together!Communicate what your values and ideas are about parenting. Support each other by agreeing about general rules, guidelines and discipline. Compromise and be flexible about places you don’t agree. When your partner is disciplining your child, back them up in the moment and talk about the issue later when you are alone and calm. Your child will benefit if she or he sees you as a team working together and you will create a more harmonious home.Share this post of your Facebook page and see how other parents are managing to try to be in harmony with each other when disciplining their children!

Triple P – Positive Parenting Program

Quality over Quantity: How to improve the time and attention you give to your children

Posted on March 22, 2016 - 12:04 am by Early Childhood Hub

Everyone at every age needs attention! It feels good when someone focuses his or her full attention on you. Being attentive also feels good to your infant or toddler (and older children). For children, getting attention is even more important than for adults. Children need attention in order to grow, develop self-esteem and a positive sense of identity, and to flourish and succeed. There’s even research showing that parental attentiveness has a connection to releasing children’s growth hormones.Of course, you want to give your child attention. Sometimes though, it seems they need lots and lots of attention and time, more than perhaps you feel you have. You don’t have to be there every minute of every day, but do consider when to give them attention, how much to give, and what kind of attention works best.

The Basics

When your infant or toddler cries because they are hungry, physically uncomfortable or sick, for example, it’s critical you respond to their immediate physical needs. Your response also shows them your love and teaches them they have an effect on the world. Your infant or toddler has many emotional needs too.

Be attentive to your Child’s emotional needs by

Smiling

Hugging, kissing or cuddling with them

Talking in a gentle and soothing voice (even if they are not talking yet)

Singing and reading to them

Holding their hand so they feel safe when you are out in the world

Be There Fully

You can’t be there all the time, but when you are there make it count!Some experts say with 15 minutes of fully-focused attention, children will feel satisfied and independent for the next half hour or so. You can be fully attentive to your child and then attend to that work email or the dishes.

How to make the time count

Put down your phone, tablet or other device.

Avoid vague judging words, even if they seem positive, like “good job.” Instead respond specifically and descriptively – “You made a really big ball with that clay.”

Try being at eye level with your toddler. If you are from a culture that looks at people directly, look your child in the eyes when engaging with them.

Take cues from your child. Use what’s called “Incidental Teaching.” On the coast and tired of answering a million “why” questions about the ocean? Ask your child “How deep do YOU think the ocean is?” Likely, they’ll have no idea, but you can spark their imagination and maybe even stop the current round of why questions while they learn. And you may be amazed with what they tell you!

The Good, The Bad and the Ugly

If you give your child attention for negative behavior, they can get the message, “If I want mom’s attention, I can throw this dish on the floor.” What can you do instead?

Instead of giving your child attention for negative behaviors, try:

Emphasizing the Positive. If your child often pulls the cat’s tail, but you notice a time when she is petting him, let her know you are paying attention – “The cat really likes it when you pet him so carefully. See how he purrs. I love how gentle you are.”

Helping your child name feelings: “You look angry that the cat won’t play with you.”

Suggesting alternatives and distractions: “The cat won’t play with you now. Let’s take the dog up Skinner Butte. She’ll like that.”

Trying to discover what may be behind the behavior. If negative behaviors persist, even for a short time, there may be something else going on. Your child might be in the early stages of an illness before they show any obvious symptoms, for example. They may not feel well, but don’t know how to express it. Perhaps they had a disappointment at child care that is making them feel insecure or frustrated.

Be patient. Remember your child is trying to get their needs met in the best and often only ways they know.

Put Away the Cape!

Not even Supermom or Superdad can be attentive to their child 24/7. You don’t need to be a Superhero. You can, however, give your child focused and necessary attention. Remember to smile at them and hug them and sing to them and listen to their interests. When you do, your child will know and trust that they are loved and cared for, and learn to be self-confident and independent too.

Triple P – Positive Parenting Program

Ten Great Strategies for Communicating With Toddlers

Posted on July 10, 2013 - 8:37 pm by Early Childhood Hub

We have all heard the term, the “terrible twos.” What is it that makes this such an infamous time in child development? This stage can be challenging for parents and toddlers alike, as each toddler tries to find a balance between autonomy and dependence. Differing opinions about how to handle toddler behaviors are common. However, negotiating is a method of communicating we can use with toddlers and model with each other, which teaches toddlers how to get their needs met while being respectful of the needs of others. Though we have all seen children show concern when they hear a friend crying, their general perception of the world is that it revolves around them. Sharing and being sympathetic are skills that may take years to learn and should be encouraged, not forced. Children are also mirrors. They reflect back what they see and hear. Adults need to be aware of this and aware that they are role models. When you start with healthy, open, respectful relationships with toddlers, negotiating then becomes an important opportunity for learning.

Following is a list of 10 strategies to consider when negotiating with toddlers:

Be aware of your child and his or her means and methods of communication. Is Suzette pulling on Thomas’ hair because she is frustrated with him, enjoying the power to make him yell, or learning that hair is attached? Does she have words to use? Is this the first time she has done this or the twelfth? This type of information provides parents and caregivers with a better perspective toward helping Suzette.
Know yourself and your own emotions. Adults have the same needs and feelings as children do. Model healthy acceptance of the child’s emotional development by acknowledging that we have similar feelings. It is important to remember that a calm voice and reassuring manner can be effective tools in negotiating with an upset or excited child.
Be authentic — that is honest, real, and nonjudgmental — in adult-child interactions. When we are respectful, children perceive that they are worthy of respect, as are others.
Validate feelings. It is OK for children to cry or be afraid or feel frustrated. It may be beneficial to give labels to the emotions (for example, “Are you feeling sad? Do you want to come and sit with me?” or “It looks like you really want to use the toy that Darnell is using”). Often people just want their frustrations to be acknowledged and their feelings accepted. By encouraging children to express themselves verbally, we are also facilitating language development.
Address the behavior, not the child, when a behavior occurs that is not appropriate. For example, if a child is acting aggressively toward another child, try statements such as, “Hitting hurts people. If you are angry with Christiana, please talk to her.” (This is preferable to “You’re being a bad girl. You know not to hit!”) Redirection is often helpful too (for instance, “It is not safe to run in the classroom. Would you like to go outside and run?”).
Offer real choices whenever possible. Allowing children to make a choice shows them respect and empowers them. “Do you want your diaper changed?” is not a real choice. Instead, try “It’s time to change your diaper. Would you like to choose your new diaper or should I?”
Give notice on upcoming transitions. By giving a five-minute warning before cleanup time, you allow children to finish their play or make arrangements to do so later. There is security and comfort in knowing what will be happening next.
Explain rules clearly and concisely. Again, young children find security in predictability; therefore, it is important to have clear guidelines and as few rules as possible. Be prompt and consistent, and follow through with consequences.
Allow time for problem solving. This is a tricky area. It is difficult to watch children struggle. Our first impulse is to “make it better.” However, being supportive and allowing time for a child to work things out has many benefits. Watch for the smile on your child’s face when he or she figures out how to put together a puzzle or solves a social problem on his or her own! Learning and self confidence grow from moderately stressful situations — situations that challenge a child but that she or he can handle.
Acknowledge efforts and successes. Positive reinforcement can be very important to a child. For example, to hear a child who often bites say “I don’t like that” instead of biting, using a comment such as “Twyla! I heard you use your words” can be very validating.

As challenging as this stage of development can be for toddlers and their parents, it is also a time of delightful exploration and fascinated wonder. Language is blossoming and friendships are blooming. Communication styles and negotiation skills are an integral part of who we are. By facilitating and supporting this process with toddlers, we are contributing to their social and emotional development and well-being.

Patricia Nixon is the lead teacher of the Infant/toddler classroom at the Children’s Center at the University of California in Santa Barbara, California, E: trischi@silcom.com. This article was first published in the Head Start Bulletin, Issue No. 68

Encouraging Your Child’s Interests

Posted on April 10, 2013 - 9:56 pm by Early Childhood Hub

Sparks, as the Search Institute refers to them, are your child’s interests, their passions or focus that bring meaning, joy and energy into their life. Depending on your child’s age, experiences and temperament you may be quite aware of what makes your child light up inside, or you might not have a clue. Sometimes these change for our children, as they do for us.Being interested in and encouraging of these sparks can make a huge difference for your child. Research has shown that kids who have caring adults in their lives who support them in their interests do better in school, develop positive peer friendships, have a greater sense of empathy and desire to help others. Kids whose parents, family and community encourage them to develop their sparks are healthier, engage in fewer risk taking behaviors and are more satisfied with their lives overall.Finding out what interests your child can be a fun and wonderful journey. The best way to find out what interests your child is to explore new experiences with them.

Here are some simple tips to keep in mind when trying new activities with your child:

Remember to enjoy the journey. Don’t push your child to find out what they like, it will defeat the purpose.
Encourage curiosity and questions. Explore answers together. Sometimes the many questions of a curious child can be overwhelming. Support your child in finding the answers themselves (or with you). Together you can look up an answer online or ask a librarian how to research a topic.
Watch your child during this process and listen to them. Try not to make these activities about you, but allow your child to explore without pressure. This is important because finding out that we like something can make us feel vulnerable or unsure at first. Allowing your child to go through this process naturally will help them identify what they like and what brings them joy. This is the time to observe. When your child lights up as they plant their first garden or asks for follow-up music lessons, create more opportunities for them to do what they are gravitating towards.
Have fun in the process! No matter if your child finds their “spark” through the activities you do together or through some other avenue – when you spend time together you are building a stronger relationship with your child.