Author Archives: J. Vargas

What are some challenging behaviors you have observed in young children? How do they make you feel? When parents and caregivers are asked these questions, they are quick to identify experiences caring for their child that seem demanding or difficult and note the feelings of stress, confusion, or overwhelm that tend to arise. How would you answer these questions?

The writer Henry David Thoreau said, “The question is not what you look at, but how you look and whether you see.”

What does that quote mean for our topic on challenging behaviors? Are we really seeing what’s going on with our child, or are we only feeling our frustration? When our own stress gets in the way, it clouds our perception, and we may react instead of respond. As we see the child more clearly, we can better acknowledge what they need and sensitively work toward meeting it. What is it that young children need most? Connection. Children need consistent, sensitive, and responsive caregiving, especially when they are upset. Each child needs an individualized approach. To better understand a child’s behavior, we can explore considerations based on their ages and stages of development and temperamental traits.

Ages & stages of development Young children progress through their ages & stages of development from infancy, toddlerhood, early childhood, school-age, and then continue onto adolescence. Be sure to care for the whole child as they are moving through developmental milestones related to the physical, social, emotional, language, intellectual, and self-help domains. Screening for healthy development is recommended.

Each of the ages and stages come with different priorities, needs, and interests. Babies are working on their ability to trust that their needs will get met. They benefit from lots of cuddling, care and comfort by consistent caregivers, and stimulation in a protected environment. Toddlers are mastering autonomy and independence. They thrive on limited choices, safe environments to explore, and warm interactions with secure adults. Preschoolers are taking greater initiative and learning how things work. They are empowered when adults provide a caring presence that supports developing self-confidence and good self-esteem in engaging activities and investigation.

Temperament Temperament is part of our personality and is present at birth. Temperament determines how a child reacts to experiences or to stimuli (sights and sounds), how they will regulate that reaction, and how others may react toward them. Recognizing a child’s individualized approach to the world can help caregivers anticipate and meet their daily needs. Temperamental traits include activity, regularity, initial reaction, adaptability, intensity, mood, distractibility, persistence-attention span, and sensory threshold. If we bundle some of these traits together, we may see different categories of temperament emerge. Children with Flexible temperament tend to be friendly and outgoing, adjusts easily to new people and routines, and accepts frustrations with little fuss. These children may benefit from encouragement to assert themselves, establish boundaries, and get needs met if they are too flexible. Those with Feisty temperament can react to frustration with tantrums, in constant movement, and have inconsistent routines, such as bedtime and eating. To support feisty children, provide them with consistency, predictability, support, and positive guidance. Be sure to stay calm and connected. The children who present with the Fearful or slow-to-warm temperament prefer to observe from the sidelines rather than actively participate, will withdraw from or quietly refuse new situations and people, and prefer consistent routines. Offer patience, time to adjust to changes, and reassurance when fearful.

Guiding from our values

How caregivers decide to guide and respond to their unique young child has a lot to do with their values and the long-term goals they want for that child. Imagine your child growing into an adult and consider the hopes you carry for their ultimate success and well-being.

• What do you picture in your mind?

• What skills, experiences, and knowledge do you envision them having as they reach adulthood?

• Given their age and stage of development and temperament, how can you support your child in everyday moments as they learn and grow towards this cherished vision over time?

• How can you be good models for what you want them to become?

• How do you continue to build connection even when it’s hard?

One effective parenting practice that fosters connection during upset moments with the child is emotion coaching. The five steps of emotion coaching are:

1. Be aware of emotions (tune into your child’s feelings and your own)

2. Connect with your child

3. Listen actively

4. Name emotions (label what they are feeling)

5. Find good solutions (help them problem-solve).

Although guiding a young child through their big feelings may not be easy, the benefits of cultivating trust and connection are well worth the effort!

Aoife Rose Magee, PhD, earned a doctoral degree in Special Education from the University of Oregon Early Intervention Program. Her personal and professional interests have been largely focused on the social-emotional development of young children and how positive parenting and teaching practices may contribute to healthy development, promote resiliency, and mediate risk factors. Aoife is a professional development specialist for students and practitioners in the areas of Early Childhood Education, Early Intervention/Early Childhood Special Education and Parenting Education.  Aoife serves as a Master Trainer for the Oregon Registry and frequently provides community based and private workshops for early childhood educators, parenting educators, and other professionals. For more than thirty years, she worked directly with families as a parenting educator, and she is a former Oregon Parenting Education Collaborative Hub Coordinator for the Parenting Success Network. She currently teaches as a full-time faculty in the Early Childhood Education Program at Lane Community College. She is also the mother of a fantastic young adult son and enjoys nature and creative pursuits in her spare time.

Español

While babysitting recently, the 15-month-old was a little wary at my arrival. Once I started reciting “This Little Piggy” on her toes, she broke into a giant smile, and we were good friends. Play helps build social skills, emotional well-being, physical development, and literacy. When I’m around small children, I love the opportunity to be silly and giggle together, but I don’t cultivate as easily it in my own life.  Not only do we need to help our children find more opportunities for unstructured play, we can benefit from creating these experiences for ourselves as adults.  Playing will help us navigate stresses in our world. When we play, we can inspire joy and playfulness in the children and families around us.

Play builds physical and literacy skills

Playing children will create storylines, build language, and act out stories, which all impact their literacy skills positively. Most importantly, we are building relationships when we play together. The National Literacy Trust reports “Play supports a variety of skills, physical, gross and fine motor, which will also support writing. Active play promotes muscle development, develops imagination and communication skills, and helps coordination and overall health.” When children play together, they learn subtle physical and social boundaries and problem-solving skills, fostering a sense of connection and engagement.

Protect playtime

Much great imaginative play sprouts out of boredom. If tablets and phones are handy, we are more likely to reach for those instead of creating some of our fun. To ensure children have time for unstructured, freely chosen play daily, pediatricians recommend that families limit screen time. “The younger the child, the less time they should be using digital devices,” writes NI Direct UK.

The Play for Parents Guide by Playboard Northern Ireland writes, “Don’t be tempted to use screens to distract children or to keep them quiet – talk to your children, play games, or look at a book instead.” We can play fingerplays or rhymes while waiting in line or at a restaurant, sing songs, or ask 20 questions. Often, kids (and grown-ups alike) might get a little cranky near the end of the day if they don’t have fun playtime breaks throughout.

Outdoor Play

Nature and outdoor play have a host of health benefits for all of us. Being outside naturally calms our bodies’ stress responses, reassuring us of our well-being. Children will learn the wonder and magic of nature, which will help them to grow into adults who value the environment. The concept of kindergarten, started by German Friedrich Froebel centuries ago, had a basis in nature and gardening – hence the name kindergarten – a garden for children. Seasonal play keeps engagement higher with changing environments. Summer play might involve sprinkler runs and winter snowball fights.

Prioritizing playful moments can benefit all of our lives. We can feel more present and connected with the children in our lives and ensure that our to-do lists are not controlling our lives. We can create a life by dancing in the kitchen, laughing when the puppy tries to catch the bubbles we’re blowing, and sledding down the hills together.

Resources

Free Range Kids by Lenore Skenazy

No Child Left Inside

Play by Stuart Brown, M.D. and Christopher Vaughan

Play Matters – full of many ideas for play

Power of Play by David Elkind

Power of Play and Optimism – October 2024 OPEC training with Steve Gross (for OPEC affiliates)

By Megan McQueen. Spanish translation by IRCO’s International Language Bank.

Megan McQueen is a warmhearted teacher, coach, consultant, and writer. She grounds her work in empathetic education, imparting a strong sense of community and social skills to those with which she works. Megan prioritizes emotional learning and problem solving skills. When not at work, she is most likely playing with her husband, two children, and pup.

Learn more about the Oregon Parenting Education Collaborative and read our blog!

Special thanks to school counselor, Amber Paterson, for sharing resources.

Grief is part of the human experience. It feels cruel, especially so when we witness our children grieving. Supporting children through their grief may be extra challenging if we are struggling ourselves. There is no correct way to navigate all of the feelings your family is experiencing. Be gentle with yourself and use any advice that feels right for you. I am sending you love.

Seek Support

As you move through complicated feelings yourself and with your child, consider how you can lean on your village. People in your life want to support you but may not know the best way to offer it. Find a therapist or counselor for yourself and your children. You can ask your medical providers and schools for first steps. A friend can organize meals in your community. Your friends or relatives can take your kids for some fun and space for yourself. Accept offers of help that feel supportive. You are not a burden. Your people want to help you through this time, just as you would like to help them when needed.

Talk with Our Children

Much of how we support our family will depend on the age of our children,  the nature of the relationship, and the circumstances surrounding the death. Social worker and therapist Jenny Rivera Cruz encourages us to use correct words, not euphemisms when talking with our children. We can say that Grandma died, but if we say she “is with God” or “passed on,” children may be confused by this and misunderstand the finality. Talking with our children about their feelings and special memories will help them process their feelings and let them know they can open up to you. Jennifer Louie, PhD suggests that we keep pictures of loved ones up so we can all feel connected. This models “that it’s okay to talk about your loved one who died.”

Rituals and Routines

Many religions and cultures have special rituals at times of death and grieving. The community caring for the family and memorials can boost these transitional times. Depending on your family’s belief system and the age of your children, they can participate in these time-honored rituals. They may have questions and be curious about this if it is new. Engage in discussions if you are able. If you anticipate being overcome or busy, enlist a trusted adult who can care for your child during this time. It may feel jarring that life keeps moving, but Jamie Howard, PhD, says that “kids will do much better when their routines remain in place.” You may consider communicating with your child’s school to enlist the school counselor and their teacher’s help supporting your child at school. Coaches and other adults may benefit from knowing what your child is navigating so they can best support them as well.

Stages of Grief

A wide range of feelings might be experienced by someone grieving. We might expect sadness, denial, and anger. Many people also feel guilty, relieved, and regretful. People might feel all of these feelings, which might feel confusing. Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote about five stages of grief in On Death and Dying. The stages of denial, anger, bargaining (what if, if only), depression, and acceptance may be helpful to expect. If we are supporting someone bereaved, recognizing these stages can help us find tools to support them and remind us to expect their feelings. These reactions are appropriate responses. Older children might also benefit from learning about these stages so they know their feelings are typical. Jennifer Fischer writes, “While these stages should not be thought of as resolute — not everyone experiences these stages in the same way or in the same order, if at all — understanding them can help you make sense of the emotions you may be feeling.”

“Eventually we find ourselves experiencing increased moments of joy and we make new connections while maintaining our love and connection with the person that passed away.” – Jennifer Louie, PhD

Web Resources

Dougy Center – Grief Support

Dougy Center – Resources by age

Books

For Children:

A Kids Book About Death by Taryn Schuelke

A Kids Book About Grief by Brennan C. Wood

The Invisible String by Patrice Karst

The Rabbit Listened by Cori Doerrfeld

The Tenth Good Thing About Barney by Judith Viorst

A Terrible Thing Happened by Margaret M. Holmes

When Someone Very Special Dies by Marge Heegaard

For Adults:

The Aftergrief by Hope Edelman

Grief Day by Day by Alan D. Wolfelt

I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodbye by Brook Noel

On Grief and Grieving by David Kessler, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, and Maria Shriver

By Megan McQueen. Spanish translation by IRCO’s International Language Bank.

Megan McQueen is a warmhearted teacher, coach, consultant, and writer. She grounds her work in empathetic education, imparting a strong sense of community and social skills to those with which she works. Megan prioritizes emotional learning and problem solving skills. When not at work, she is most likely playing with her husband, two children, and pup.

Learn more about the Oregon Parenting Education Collaborative and read our blog!

You may have read the recent report from the Surgeon General about the alarming rates of rising parental stress. To most of us who are parents or who work with caregivers, this report was unsurprising but validating. Many of the issues parents face are systemic. We can work toward a society that cares better for families. But I wondered, what can we do to mitigate this stress and support each other in meaningful ways right now?

The statistics shared in the Surgeon General’s report are alarming because such a large population suffers. Mental health is not only problematic for those struggling but also for their families. “Research finds that children with a primary caregiver with poor mental health are twice as likely to have mental, behavioral or developmental concerns and four times more likely to have poor health.” Cara Goodwin, PhD, writes for KQED.

It’s Not You

Often, people find relief when they discover that others are feeling similarly. Caregivers who read this might feel connected and seen when they realize that they are not alone in these feelings. There are systems working against families that need to be changed. We cannot adjust these quickly enough, but pulling the curtain aside may help us understand that this is not our fault.

Create and Nurture Support Networks

Dr. Murthy writes, “[parental stress] can be mitigated by protective factors like social support networks and positive parenting behaviors as well.” We have opportunities to build these support networks in our classes. Time for caregivers to build trust and connection can help create new friend structures.

People may want to exchange contact info or find each other on social media. Our classes can become safe places for people to reach out and talk us through struggles. Remind everyone that this may be challenging, and people will help them. Lean on extended family, neighbors, colleagues, and friends. We will also have opportunities to support those people. Helping others can boost our positive feelings as well.

Get Creative About Self-Care

Suggesting to someone overwhelmed that they need to find time for themselves can backfire. It may elicit a stress response because they feel they don’t have time to accomplish all they need to do without adding bubble baths and manicures. If adding something else to the endless to-do list means less sleep or more stress, it may not be worth it. Dr. Cara Goodwin suggests finding moments of joy or peace while moving through our days. Going for a short walk after dinner or listening to nature sounds on your commute to work may feel comforting. Dan Harris discusses this on his podcast with Dr. Becky. He talks about mindfully washing dishes or changing diapers so that you can practice meditation even when you don’t have time for that.

You can’t tell from the outside how people are doing. And sometimes, I think, as parents, we assume that we’re the only ones struggling…But when you actually talk to parents, you find that a lot of us are going through the same things. If we can talk openly with one another about this, I believe that we can help find and build the kind of community that all of us need to do parenting well.

U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy, as interviewed by Steve Inskeep on NPR

Resources

Fair Play by Eve Rodsky

Good Inside by Becky Kennedy, PhD

Real Self-Care by Pooja Lakshmin, MD

‘Til Stress Do Us Part by Elizabeth Earnshaw

By Megan McQueen. Spanish translation by IRCO’s International Language Bank.

Megan McQueen is a warmhearted teacher, coach, consultant, and writer. She grounds her work in empathetic education, imparting a strong sense of community and social skills to those with which she works. Megan prioritizes emotional learning and problem solving skills. When not at work, she is most likely playing with her husband, two children, and pup.

Learn more about the Oregon Parenting Education Collaborative and read our blog!