angry – United Way of Lane County Testing

Toddler Emotions: Ups and Downs and All Arounds

Posted on March 30, 2022 - 6:47 pm by Early Childhood Hub

Toddler crying while being comforted with a hug

Your toddler is talking more, exploring more, and acting more independently. There are new and exciting things to experience, whether it is going to storytime in the library, playing in the park, or planning a trip to see Grandpa! Along with new experiences and activities will, inevitably, come frustration, disappointment, anger, sadness, and other strong emotions. Toddlers are known for their “big” feelings and you can help your toddler during this big leap in their development. The part of our brain that processes big feelings and emotions (the limbic system) is developing rapidly in toddlers. We can help shape healthy patterns for responding to big feelings. Built on the structure and wiring of the brainstem, all the times you met your baby’s physical and emotional needs form the foundation of trust that their needs will be met as they grow. When a big feeling arises (or rears its ugly head), just naming the feeling helps your toddler’s brain relax and eventually with consistency, they will be able to name their own feeling and move into their thinking brain to solve the problem. Here are some ideas to help with managing these big emotions!

First, it can be helpful to notice when your child is struggling with their emotions and step in before the situation escalates. You might see your child:

Quieting or whining or otherwise shifting their mood

Throwing things, such as toys or food

Hitting or biting other children or adults, or themselves

Refusing options they usually like – they are offered apples or pears for a snack, but refuse both.

Quickly and angrily give up working on a “project,” such as a favorite puzzle.

When your child is having a hard time managing their emotions:

Name your child’s feelings. By naming the feeling, you are building emotional vocabulary so that eventually they will be able to recognize and name their own feelings. This is the first step to regulation.

Validate your child’s feelings and experiences. Show sympathy and understanding. Even if you can’t understand why your toddler is so upset that you gave them the red cup instead of the green cup, just remember that your toddler’s feelings are very real to them
- “We didn’t get to go to the park this morning because it’s raining. It’s really fun to go to the park and play on the swings and in the sandbox. You feel really angry because we can’t go and play. Let’s hope we can try again another day when it is not raining so hard.”

Find safe and appropriate ways for your child to process their emotions.
- Angry – How about punching a pillow or having a special “biting toy?” Make sure to emphasize hitting or biting people or animals is not okay.
- Sad – “Would you like to cuddle up in my lap while I read you a special story?”
- Frustrated – Try the “Smell the flower, blow out the candle” breathing technique for calming down.
Find time to get outside and exercise every day. Toddlers, like us, need lots of time and opportunity to let off steam. Toddlers learn with their whole body and through interaction with you. Just kicking a ball back and forth or playing chase will prevent or tone down some of those inevitable upsets.

Everyday ways to help toddlers with their emotions

You don’t need to wait for an epic upset to teach your child about feelings and emotions! There are things you can do in your everyday routine to help your child work through their emotions.

Practice patience:
- Mark time with music – If your child needs to wash their hands thoroughly, have them sing the birthday song and keep washing until the song is finished.
- Teach your toddler about taking turns – Switch off using different color crayons. Use a kitchen or phone timer to mark how much time you can use each color. Let them know how great they are doing waiting to use the next color or acknowledge that it’s hard to wait sometimes.

Pay attention to transitions. Give a five minute warning, and a two minute warning when changing activities. Aim to get your toddler invested in the new activity. “In five minutes, it will be time to put the crayons away. Then we’ll go to the park for our play date with Sammy.”

Make a habit of naming emotions:
- Is there an angry, sad, happy, or excited character in a movie or book? Point out and name the emotion – “Jameson is angry because he didn’t get to pick out a toy.” “Look how excited Alex is about going to the library with his Grandma.”

Talk about your emotions and how you handle them – “Daddy is disappointed there are no more bananas left to buy in the store. Let’s buy apples instead.”
- Even your pets can help – “The dog feels happy with her new toy!”

The toddler years can sometimes feel like an emotional rollercoaster. One minute, you’re up, the next you’re down—and once you think you’ve got everything figured out, your toddler throws you for a loop! It’s not always an easy ride, but it’s worth it.

This article is brought to you by Parenting Now! Parenting Educators and authors Amanda Bedortha, Claire Davis and Lynne Swartz, and consultant Jay Thompson. Parenting Now! is passionate about happy, healthy families. For more information about Parenting Now! please visit their website or contact us at info@parentingnow.org.

Triple P – Positive Parenting Program

Are you interested in receiving more parenting advice? Triple P Online – Positive Parenting Program could be for you! This online parenting program allows you to take a parenting class in the comfort of your own home!

If you live in Lane County, you can get Triple P Online for free by filling out the form on the Triple P page. A staff person from Parenting Now will send you an access code within 24 hours and you’ll be able to start using the program right away! For more information about the program and to sign up visit the Triple P page.

Understanding Your Child’s After-School Meltdown

Posted on November 4, 2021 - 11:22 pm by Early Childhood Hub

Big transitions and new routines, like starting school, take a lot—physically and emotionally—out of kids. During this transitional stage of either starting school for the first time or returning from a long period away from the classroom, your child might feel extra tired and emotional—especially after school. This is sometimes known as the “after-school meltdown.”

While many children get used to the new routine after a few weeks, you can still support your child and build your relationship with them now as they adjust to this transition.

What causes after-school meltdowns?

Preschoolers and young children are still learning to manage their “big” feelings, both at home and in school. There are a number of reasons your child might feel extra emotional after school:

Your child is still adjusting to being away from you during the day. They may be experiencing homesickness, a longing for familiar environments, and predictable interactions. Making friends takes time and energy. Learning the give and take of interacting with peers is a skill they are still learning.

Your child is overtired from the busy day, or is adjusting to a new nap (or lack thereof) schedule.

Your child really needs to move their body after sitting in the classroom most of the day. Sometimes this energy comes out in a meltdown.

School is packed with physical and mental activities, and children have little autonomy over what or when they do them.

Just moving from one activity to another is hard for many children, especially if they are really enjoying what they are doing. They may be learning that they finish sooner than their classmates and need to wait patiently, or that they typically don’t finish what they are working on before being asked to move to the next activity. These are skills that take time and focus to learn.

Being expected to wait turns and share with fellow classmates. Especially if they are your first or only child, they are used to having more control and choice about what and how long they do an activity.

Being told “No” by teachers. Ideally, teachers explain why they are limiting an activity, but remember teachers are managing many active children at the same time and may not have focus to do so every time. This may feel abrupt or slighting to your child, so this adds another feeling to process from their day.

They are getting used to a new adult in authority who may communicate in a slightly different way from you. They are learning a new set of expectations and rules.

Not knowing how to ask for the things they need while at school. They are still learning to recognize what they need, put it into words, and be brave or assertive to ask in a way that is likely to result in success. They may need to wait to get what they need when they are not used to waiting.

Feeling extra hungry or tired at school. Remember, school is structured for the average child. Your child may be used to snacking when they want or zoning out with a book or screen when they are tired.

Addressing meltdowns when they happen

The goal is to get your child into a calm state of mind, while also allowing them to express their feelings.

Find a comfortable spot to sit with your child.

Offer hugs, back rubs, hold hands—whatever touch is most comforting for your child.

Acknowledge your child’s feelings: “It must be frustrating to wait to play. Let’s calm our feelings and think of a solution together.”

A breathing exercise may help: breathe in as if smelling a flower, breath out as if blowing out a candle.

Ask your child if they would like to read a book, sing a song, or draw a picture together as a way of calming down.

Offer lots of specific praise to your child. “You must be so proud of yourself for all the new things you are doing like…(list)”

If your child needs to eat or rest, you can give choices that keep you next to them. “Let’s get some lunch and then sit down together. Would you like to put the peanut butter or the jelly on your bread? Do you want milk or water with your lunch?” If they need to move their body, offer a game of catch or kick a ball back and forth. A walk in nature will calm and refresh both of you.

Once you recognize that your child is sensitive to after-school meltdowns, there are strategies you can use to help minimize them, including packing extra snacks for school and after-school; setting an early bedtime that includes a routine that emphasizes connection, such as stories, cuddles and music; offering a calm environment at home.

More time together

If your child is experiencing after-school meltdowns, it may just be that your child needs more quality time together with you when they get home. Carve out time each day to pay special one-on-one attention to your child. Adjusting to a new routine and school takes time. But knowing that you are waiting for them at the end of the school day with a big smile and open arms, goes a long way in making your child feel safe, secure, and loved.

This article is brought to you by Parenting Now Parenting Educators and authors Amanda Bedortha, Claire Davis and Lynne Swartz, and consultant Jay Thompson. Parenting Now offers parenting groups and drop-in programs for families with children 0-8, and is passionate about happy, healthy families. For more information about Parenting Now, please visit their website or contact us at info@parentingnow.org.