behavior – United Way of Lane County Testing

The Power of Positive Attention

Posted on August 26, 2021 - 9:55 pm by Early Childhood Hub

Everyone at every age can thrive on positive attention! It feels good when someone focuses his or her full attention – in a good way – on you. Children, especially, need that attention in order to grow emotionally, develop their self-esteem, confidence, and a positive sense of identity.But as parents, we get busy and forget to pay attention and give praise when our child does something we like or are proud of. When children feel ignored, or their attempts to get your attention fail, it can sometimes lead to challenging behavior, such as coloring on the walls or throwing toys. This is sometimes known as seeking negative attention.If you’re spending more time pointing out or correcting misbehaviors, it might be time to focus your efforts on using “positive attention,” focusing on “catching them being good.”

Why use positive attention?

Parental attention is a powerful tool. When you give your child positive attention, you are building their self-esteem and confidence, as well as trust and a closer bond with you.On the flip side, if you mostly pay attention to your child when they are displaying challenging or negative behaviors they will learn that if they want your attention they should chase the cat around the house or hide your car keys.“Positive attention,” notes the Child Mind Institute, “requires a lens shift in which we call out kids for good behavior and ignore (at least in the moment) the not-so-good.”

Positive attention in action

Positive attention simply means “catching your child in the act” of doing something positive, whether it’s a behavior or a task. This could include: cleaning up their toys, sharing nicely with their sibling, saying “thank you,” waiting patiently in line, feeding the dog, picking out their clothes for school, etc.There are many ways to give positive attention to your child, including:

smiling

hugging

nodding

eye contact

showing interest in your child’s interests and accomplishments

giving specific praise, especially praise of their effort

With positive attention you can give praise for any behavior you want to see repeated. Specific phrases that note exactly what your child is being praised for are much more powerful than general phrases like “good job”. For example: “Thank you for petting the kitty so gently. Your nice touches made the kitty feel calm and happy.” Describe what you see them doing or saying. When you point out the impact of their positive behavior, the praise becomes more powerful. Your ultimate goal will be to support your child to behave well even when you are not there to see it. To achieve this, you can help them notice when they are proud of themselves, by asking about their feelings. “How does it feel when the kitty purrs when you pet her?” This will go a long way in building your child’s self esteem.Other points to consider:

Did he put away most of his toys?
- Notice that some toys got put away, rather than what did NOT get done. “Thank you for putting those toys away. It helps Daddy when you clean up after you play.”
- Lend a hand to finish the job. Doing a chore together is giving your child attention and support.
- You don’t need to wait until a task is complete or “perfect” before you offer praise. Praise can be offered when your child starts a task or makes an effort. Praising the effort rather than the outcome is a powerful way to increase their effort and shows that you are noticing what they are doing.

To build confidence and independence, give praise when your child takes care of themselves while you are doing what you need to, such as getting their own drink of water, or picking out their clothes for the day while you make breakfast. Little ones want to be “big” more than anything. “Look at how grown up you are, getting your own drink of water! How do you feel when you can do things for yourself?”

Pay attention to your attention

Positive attention can also come in the form of intentional time spent together, such as playing your child’s favorite game, reading books together, going on a post-dinner walk in the neighborhood, or baking together. Follow your child’s lead by asking them to choose the activity and then doing it the way they want to do it. Even 20 minutes of focused fun together invests in your relationship, and goes a long way to build a solid foundation to rely on when times or situations are more difficult.At the end of the day, your child just wants to feel loved and valued. It takes effort to incorporate positive attention into your day. But once you make it a habit to point out when your child is being helpful or making positive choices, dishing out positive attention will become second nature to you.

This article is brought to you by Parenting Now Parenting Educators and authors Amanda Bedortha, Claire Davis and Lynne Swartz, and consultant Jay Thompson. Parenting Now offers parenting groups and drop-in programs for families with children 0-8, and is passionate about happy, healthy families. For more information about Parenting Now, please visit their website or contact us at info@parentingnow.org.

Triple P – Positive Parenting Program

Are you interested in receiving more parenting advice? Triple P Online – Positive Parenting Program could be for you! This online parenting program allows you to take a parenting class in the comfort of your own home!

If you live in Lane County, you can get Triple P Online for free by filling out the form on the Triple P page. A staff person from Parenting Now will send you an access code within 24 hours and you’ll be able to start using the program right away! For more information about the program and to sign up visit the Triple P page.

Quality over Quantity: How to improve the time and attention you give to your children

Posted on March 22, 2016 - 12:04 am by Early Childhood Hub

Everyone at every age needs attention! It feels good when someone focuses his or her full attention on you. Being attentive also feels good to your infant or toddler (and older children). For children, getting attention is even more important than for adults. Children need attention in order to grow, develop self-esteem and a positive sense of identity, and to flourish and succeed. There’s even research showing that parental attentiveness has a connection to releasing children’s growth hormones.Of course, you want to give your child attention. Sometimes though, it seems they need lots and lots of attention and time, more than perhaps you feel you have. You don’t have to be there every minute of every day, but do consider when to give them attention, how much to give, and what kind of attention works best.

The Basics

When your infant or toddler cries because they are hungry, physically uncomfortable or sick, for example, it’s critical you respond to their immediate physical needs. Your response also shows them your love and teaches them they have an effect on the world. Your infant or toddler has many emotional needs too.

Be attentive to your Child’s emotional needs by

Smiling

Hugging, kissing or cuddling with them

Talking in a gentle and soothing voice (even if they are not talking yet)

Singing and reading to them

Holding their hand so they feel safe when you are out in the world

Be There Fully

You can’t be there all the time, but when you are there make it count!Some experts say with 15 minutes of fully-focused attention, children will feel satisfied and independent for the next half hour or so. You can be fully attentive to your child and then attend to that work email or the dishes.

How to make the time count

Put down your phone, tablet or other device.

Avoid vague judging words, even if they seem positive, like “good job.” Instead respond specifically and descriptively – “You made a really big ball with that clay.”

Try being at eye level with your toddler. If you are from a culture that looks at people directly, look your child in the eyes when engaging with them.

Take cues from your child. Use what’s called “Incidental Teaching.” On the coast and tired of answering a million “why” questions about the ocean? Ask your child “How deep do YOU think the ocean is?” Likely, they’ll have no idea, but you can spark their imagination and maybe even stop the current round of why questions while they learn. And you may be amazed with what they tell you!

The Good, The Bad and the Ugly

If you give your child attention for negative behavior, they can get the message, “If I want mom’s attention, I can throw this dish on the floor.” What can you do instead?

Instead of giving your child attention for negative behaviors, try:

Emphasizing the Positive. If your child often pulls the cat’s tail, but you notice a time when she is petting him, let her know you are paying attention – “The cat really likes it when you pet him so carefully. See how he purrs. I love how gentle you are.”

Helping your child name feelings: “You look angry that the cat won’t play with you.”

Suggesting alternatives and distractions: “The cat won’t play with you now. Let’s take the dog up Skinner Butte. She’ll like that.”

Trying to discover what may be behind the behavior. If negative behaviors persist, even for a short time, there may be something else going on. Your child might be in the early stages of an illness before they show any obvious symptoms, for example. They may not feel well, but don’t know how to express it. Perhaps they had a disappointment at child care that is making them feel insecure or frustrated.

Be patient. Remember your child is trying to get their needs met in the best and often only ways they know.

Put Away the Cape!

Not even Supermom or Superdad can be attentive to their child 24/7. You don’t need to be a Superhero. You can, however, give your child focused and necessary attention. Remember to smile at them and hug them and sing to them and listen to their interests. When you do, your child will know and trust that they are loved and cared for, and learn to be self-confident and independent too.