gracious-loser – United Way of Lane County Testing

Teaching Your Child to Become Resilient

Posted on May 20, 2021 - 12:48 am by Early Childhood Hub

Changes and challenges – big and small – are part of life, and all children will face them at some point. While we can’t protect our children from every hurdle or disappointment they face, teaching resiliency skills to our children can help them bounce back from life’s setbacks. In addition, resiliency also has other benefits, including building confidence and the willingness to try new things.What does it mean to be “resilient”?Being resilient is the ability to quickly recover from setbacks, and adapt to change.It’s the ability to keep working at something, even when it’s not easy. For children, they may face big challenges such as starting a new school, bullying, or moving to a new town. They may also face every day challenges like being corrected by a teacher, not being chosen for a team, or falling off their bike.As a parent, you can help your child learn the skills they need to build their resilience through everyday parenting tips.

Let your child be a problem-solver and find solutions to simple problems, such as finding their shoes or getting a cup of water. Children need to learn critical thinking skills and then practice their problem solving. The starting point can be everyday play. Here, they are surrounded with chances to problem solve, whether they’re playing an imaginary game with their toys, building with blocks, or coloring. Giving your child choices is a first step, even for toddlers.

Allow for appropriate risk or age-appropriate freedoms. Life is full of risk—some serious, some mundane. We make decisions every day that involve some level of risk (“Do I buy broccoli instead of peas this week and risk that my child will spit it out in protest?”). With our children, it’s the same. Not every “risk” is obvious. Learning to ride a skateboard or climbing a tree both involve obvious, physical risk. It’s more about taking a step back to evaluate where you can give your child opportunities to challenge themselves. Maybe it’s urging them to climb up one higher branch on a tree (or climb it at all), or allowing them to get a skateboard for their birthday (Don’t forget knee/elbow pads and a helmet!)

Allow your child to make mistakes. Think of mistakes as learning opportunities for your child. Being there for them when they get a failing grade even though they refused to study for a test or allowing them to feel disappointment when they don’t make the softball team—these are opportunities to talk about consequences, and what they could do differently next time. Avoid being judgmental (I told you so). Instead, help your child see that the outcome might have been different if they put in more effort.

Encourage your child to keep trying. If the situation is beyond their skill level, build in any support they might need. A math tutor or even an older child can help them learn the skills needed to be successful or inspire them to keep going. You can share the superpower of the word “yet.” You aren’t hitting the ball “yet,” or you don’t know the words to the song “yet.” “Yet” implies they will be successful at some point, and it sometimes takes the willingness to keep on trying to make that happen.

Talk about emotions openly. Part of being human is feeling a wide range of emotions, from happiness and anger, to sadness and disappointment. Encourage your child to talk about their emotions and allow them to feel what they need to feel in the moment. Life seems unfair sometimes. Validate their difficult feelings and help them frame the situation in terms of what they learned.

Model being resilient for your child. As your child’s primary “life” teacher, use your own mistakes or challenges to show that it’s possible to bounce back from setbacks and overcome challenges. For example, “I also feel disappointed that we can’t visit Grandma this weekend. And we can call her on Saturday and talk about all the fun things we will do when we can all be together again.”

Supporting your child’s coping skillsIt’s natural to want to keep your children safe and to protect their feelings. But you can’t shield them from every hurt and disappointment. What you can do though, is help them learn to cope and build their resiliency skills. Bouncing back from life’s disappointments, big or small, is a life skill you can help your child learn.

This article is brought to you by Parenting Now Parenting Educators and authors Amanda Bedortha, Claire Davis and Lynne Swartz, and consultant Jay Thompson. Parenting Now offers parenting groups and drop-in programs for families with children 0-8, and is passionate about happy, healthy families. For more information about Parenting Now, please visit their website or contact us at info@parentingnow.org.

Triple P – Positive Parenting Program

Are you interested in receiving more parenting advice? Triple P Online – Positive Parenting Program could be for you! This online parenting program allows you to take a parenting class in the comfort of your own home!

If you live in Lane County, you can get Triple P Online for free by filling out the form on the Triple P page. A staff person from Parenting Now will send you an access code within 24 hours and you’ll be able to start using the program right away! For more information about the program and to sign up visit the Triple P page.

The Art of Raising a Humble Winner and Gracious Loser

Posted on February 18, 2021 - 12:13 am by Early Childhood Hub

“Winning is great, sure, but if you are really going to do something in life, the secret is learning how to lose.” — Wilma Rudolph, Olympic champion

We all love to win—whether it’s in a board game, sport, or even a race with your sibling. It can make us feel good and push us to give our best effort, but it can also lead to hurt feelings when we don’t win or, worse, treat the “loser” poorly when we do win.It’s not uncommon for children—and adults—to struggle with their feelings around losing and winning. You might notice your child:

Have a meltdown if her team loses on the ball field.

Unwilling to acknowledge improvements in their skills in the face of losing, or want to give up.

Brag too much if their team won.

Refuse to participate in anything that they don’t think they can win.

If any or all of these are true for your child, they may have what is sometimes known as “sore loser syndrome.”There are steps you can take to prevent your child from being overwhelmed by losing, as well as ways to help them if they do react strongly to the pressure to win.

Start early – As parents, we all let our children win at family games every now and then. But don’t do it every time! It’s okay for your child to lose at Go Fish occasionally. Learning to lose and manage the feelings that come with it will help your child deal with the inevitable losses they will experience throughout their childhood and their lives. You might say something like, “We’re a learning family. We all learn new things. Sometimes we win, and sometimes we lose. We take turns winning and losing. Today, it was your brother’s turn to win. Maybe it will be your turn to win tomorrow.”

Affirm feelings – “In life, winning and losing will both happen. What is never acceptable is quitting.” — Magic Johnson, basketball player

Don’t brush aside your child’s feelings of disappointment or sadness with expressions like “It’s just a game.”

Let them know that how they feel is okay: “You tried hard to hit the ball. It can be frustrating when you try hard and can’t make it work the way you want to.” Focus on what they are learning, and help them notice and acknowledge their improvement.

Give your child support for dealing effectively with feelings: “You drew a picture about feeling sad about not winning today’s game. That is a wonderful way to express your feelings.”

Learning from loss – Sometimes losing can create learning moments for kids. Use the powerful word “yet.” You haven’t won “yet.” Is there something your child could do differently next time? Does the skill need more practice? Did your child try to rush through the game without listening to the instructions? With your child, come up with solutions to help the game go more smoothly.

Emphasize the positive – Let your child know that we all have different skills for different things: “You didn’t hit the ball this game, but you swung at the ball! One thing you did do well was catch the ball twice when you were in the field. You really know how to catch the ball.”Make sure to let your child know you recognize small successes, especially with young children: “You made it to the top of the play structure. Way to go!” “You knew exactly which card to ask for” (when playing Go Fish).

Reframe winning and losing – “It’s not about winning or losing a competition, it’s about beating the doubt from within yourself and knowing at the end of each day you are one step closer to your goals.” — Jonathon Horton, gymnast

Instead of talking about “winning” and “losing” in black and white terms, try focusing on the process. Use words like:

Opportunity
Growth
Learning
Effort
Working Hard
Enjoyment
Fun

If your child is hesitant to participate because they can’t “win” or “be the best,” encourage them to participate in activities they really enjoy.

Give them support for working hard or being willing to participate, even if they are not “the best.”

Emphasize enjoyment: “You sure laughed a lot when we were playing cards.”

Emphasize effort: “I can see how hard you were trying to hit that ball. You were really watching carefully.”

How do you manage your feelings? – How do you deal with loss and disappointment? If you realize you are having a hard time dealing with loss, take the opportunity to make some changes. Not only will you benefit, but your child will also benefit from seeing effective ways to deal with losing. When your child sees you coping with hard feelings, they learn how to cope with their feelings.Walk your child through your process when you are trying something new. When you make a mistake, let them see you deal with it and try again. Learn to do something new together. Let them see you struggle with a new skill or game, and lose gracefully.

At the end of a day, it’s just a game

“Just play. Have fun. Enjoy the game.” — Michael Jordan, basketball player

Start practicing with your child early and they’ll see that losing can be disappointing, but no one wins all the time and that’s OK! If your child is starting to have “sore loser syndrome,” affirm their feelings of disappointment when losing, but also provide them with perspective. Remind them they haven’t won “yet”, they can improve, no one can be the best at everything, and sometimes having fun makes participating worthwhile. And, remember to check in with yourself about how you react to winning and losing too!